Why do I miss the mother of my children so much when she’s away?

Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad is tough… But, it’s tougher when you’re on your own…

a. I miss her because I love her and we’ve been soul-mates for nearly 20 years.

b. I miss her because even though her glacial feet on the back of my calves bring me crashing back to reality from the sweetest dream, it’s proof that cold feet = warm heart

c. I miss her because I see the look in our daughter’s eyes when she gets a cuddle from her and it’s the ultimate transmission of complete love

d. I miss her because even when I know it does, she tells me my writing doesn’t suck and I’m going to meet deadline… And then adds that I can probably do better and more.

e. I miss her because she still looks as hot as she always did in yoga pants

f. I miss her because she has quite a strange laugh

g. I miss her because she has ridiculous, circular arguments with my son because neither realizes they’re so similar

h. I miss her because I love listening to her having conversations in Japanese to her parents

i. I miss her because she works so hard and makes me feel guilty when I slack off.

j. Actually, I don’t miss her because of that. Slacking off is just part of the creative process. And it’s nice she isn’t here to tell me that it isn’t. I might have a nap after this…

k. OK, back after the nap. Where was I? Oh right. I miss her because she’s always trying to feed me

l. I miss her because everyone’s happier when she’s here

m. I miss her because although I’m only supposed to smoke 5 cigarettes a day, when she isn’t here I, um. (Cough)… Yes, it’s nice to have a sensible handbrake.

n. I miss her because she plans things and writes lists and makes sure everything’s on time and never forgets anything from Trader Joe’s, even salt and peppermint tea.

o. Yes, I missed both ballet lessons and tumbling.

p. And I got a whole bunch of stuff at Trader Joe’s, but none of it could really be considered food or peppermint tea.

q. I miss her because she’s on top of homework and knows exactly what has to be done and handed in when

r. Yes, I’m as bad at homework now as I was when I was at school and when she’s away my son begins to realize his Old Man ain’t as smart as he makes out.

s. I miss her because I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one who actually does housework and laundry, even though I always thought it was just me and I was really good at it. Although, it has to be said, I’m definitely the only parent who cleans the toilet.

t. I miss her because the kids really shouldn’t be climbing on the roof

u. I miss her because she smells really nice and now I’ve just got two kids in the bed with me, and they fart quite a lot and cough in my face and sneeze on my bald patch.

v. I miss her because she laughs at my jokes. Mostly. With that strange laugh of hers.

w. I miss her because I’m only half the parent I should be without her

x. I miss her because I can’t watch True Detective until she gets home, and basically I’m spending my entire life dodging spoilers.

y. I miss her because instead of writing – I’m composing a bloody list about how much I miss her

z. And, I miss her because every day I have to contend with my daughter’s hair. On my own. With my fat, maladroit fingers.